Seeking...

Lately I have felt an urgency in my soul.

Sounds strange, I'm sure, to some of you (whoever reads this thing).

I feel an urgency to change, to seek, to run to Him.
I feel an urgency to live life to the fullest and glorify God.
I feel an urgency to change my friendships--make them deep, meaningful, and passionate for God.
I feel an urgency to love all people and to grow out of my bitter attitudes that come too often.
I feel an urgency to celebrate beautiful love in others--marriage of amazing friends that is spilling with love for our God.

In all this urgency, I feel alone. I feel alone in knowing how precious every day is with friends, family, and beautiful love for another person.

Does anyone else really get what I mean in all that I am saying here?
Probably not.
Maybe Bebo can help you feel it...

Tell me now, when does this start feeling
Like I understand everything I'm dealing with
First I was young, now it's all just happening
And what about the way I said that
Made you turn around and shake your head
Like I don't even know what I'm asking for

This could be all about just letting go
Or this could be all about just holding on

I can't get my feet off of the ground
I want to run but I don't know how
Can you reach down here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I want to scream but there's no sound
I want to fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah

Remember when I was young and hungry
I could take it in without much money
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
Now I feel like I'm treading water
And I'm hardly real, I'm just trying harder
To make my way on the earth by standing still

This could be all about just letting go
Or this could be all about just holding on

I can't get my feet off of the ground
I want to run but I don't know how
Can you reach down here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I want to scream but there's no sound
I want to fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah

Not a moment too soon, you will be my rescue
But tell me how long will it take

I can't get my feet off of the ground
I want to run but I don't know how
Can you reach down here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I want to scream but there's no sound
I want to fly to you somehow
Can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah

A few things I learned

A few things I learned on Sunday at church...

Whenever we are thirsty, we have living water to fill us up (John 4:13-14).

When you are confronted with the truth about yourself, you must not run into the darkness or hide, but rather you must stay in the light although it is uncomfortable.

"Through some channel--the Scripture, worship, a word of proclamation, the agency of a brother or sister in Christ, even the agency of an unbeliever--the Spirit of God may probe some area in which we are not conformed to the image of Christ. That probing will probably always be confrontational, and it will always be a challenge and a call to us in our brokenness to come out of the brokenness into wholeness in Christ." - Invitation to a Journey: A Road Map for Spiritual Formation by M. Robert Mulholland

Worshiping God by accepting the truth about ourselves (John 4:24).

God, I want to be in your presence and be aware of that. I want to be exposed and not feel the need to run from you or hide myself.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my sliver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow'r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

I feel it

I was sitting in church with Nathan on Sunday and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with the feelings of missing Bosnia. I missed the weather, the smell of the air, the teaching, the children, their smiles, my teammates, the missionaries and their families, the food, all the walking we did, the sightseeing, and just living there in general. It was overwhelming and I couldn't help but cry. Just a little tidbit on how I was feeling Sunday.

The following items are just some things that resonated with me this past Sunday...

This is a Psalm that I read back on 3/1/06. I like to mark the dates in my Bible of when I read something and I feel changed by the verse/passage.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore."

Psalm 121

The following song I have been hearing almost nonstop for the past week and a half. I just feel that God is waking me up and pulling me back to him.
"Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never ending
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a savior
The hope of nations

Savior, He can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save!
He is mighty to save!
Forever Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave!
Jesus conquered the grave!

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender"

I feel my desiring for Him growing...
And I can feel myself chasing after Him, while He is drawing me back to Him.
All I can say is "it's about time"...
It's about time :)

-Heather

Euphoric

I'm engaged and so very happy :)

Change

I have never been a big fan of change.
I don't actually adapt well to it (just to Cassandra--I am an S personality on the DISC test).

After graduation, though, I was forced into accepting all that was headed my way.

1. I moved out of the dorms into a house with 3 other girls.
2. I would never be a student at a school I had grown to call my home. Johnson had been my family for 5 years. Honestly, if they hadn't pushed me out the door, I probably would have never left.
3. I started my first full-time job the Monday after the dorms closed.
4. I said goodbye to Nathan knowing that I would see him only once this summer.
5. Living with 3 other girls off campus is a huge adjustment. Moving into a house when there are 3 other girls who already have their routines and goals set since January is a tough thing to adapt to. I felt like I was going to have a rough time being welcomed into their daily lives (if that makes sense).
6. Stress of dealing with money and bills.
7. Becoming my own person, finally. I think this was the one change out of all of them that I welcomed with open arms.

In May it was 2 years for Nathan and me. I adore that man. He makes me very happy.

Come August, I will have been working for 3 months. I really hope they hire me on as a regular employee (because right now I am considered just a "seasonal" employee). I enjoy the people I work with. Most days are better than others. I just want them to see Christ in me.

Nathan will be here in less than a month. I've adapted to him being gone enough that it isn't as painful as it was to be without him. However, to be honest, I still have a hard time being around couples. It just makes me want to be with him, or have him here with me.

I bought a new computer. It should be shipping next week, but who knows. I'm anxious for it to get here, to say the least. I also plan on signing up with an online program to get my international certification in TESOL.

I need to read my Bible more.
I joined a gym yesterday.
I joined a tanning salon yesterday.
There are just some things I need to work on.

Graduate

As of Friday, May 2nd, 2008...

I am a college graduate.
It was a lovely day.

Now it's time for me to do the best I can to cherish this final week I have here at JBC.

Relief

This week has been long. I don't want to complain at all. I'm grateful that it's over. I'm also grateful that I had an opportunity to take this afternoon off--since I decided to skip Concepts in Science--and just relax, take a nap, and even get a chance to go out early with Nathan to get something for supper. I even got a pleasant suprise and received an 96 on my Modern World Literature exam today :)

This morning I had my exit interview for my internship with my Coordinator, Brent. My internship is officially over. Again, my internship is officially over. I still can't grasp it. That is due mostly to the fact that I started it in August, and it's just become second nature to me to document my times, my thoughts, and stress over goals not yet met. It's a huge relief. Except for the fact that I'm actually going to continue on in my "internship" work at Bridge for about another month. I need Christian Service hours and I'd like to continue getting to know my students. I honestly still hate losing my Saturday and Monday afternoons, but I feel like I'm preparing myself (even if it is just a little bit) for the full-time work schedule I'm facing after I graduate this May. Hopefully I don't take this time with my students for granted. I want to learn. I do. It's just hard to stay motivated to do this week after week.

Nathan and I are still together, going on 1 year and 10 months this weekend. I adore him. I love that he challenges me. I love that he is an amazing example of faithfulness and trust. I love that he knows exactly what to do to drive me insane; however, even when he does I can't help but smile every now and then to know that there is a man so close to me that he knows these little details. I love our relationship. Of course no relationship is perfect, ours being no exception. We are committed to each other, though. That's the difference. There are things I need to work on a lot, but he has things to work on as well. I'm just happy that he is a part of my life :)

So for a long time I've been kind of in a haze with my relationship with God. In my mind it began in Bosnia. To be quite honest, I didn't think it would last so long. But it's over. The cloud over me lifted Monday night. It was like I woke up. My heart began to race. I'm not going to try to explain it any further, because I know my words won't do it justice. My friend Megan talked to me about a live recording on which you can hear an angel sing. Google it. The song is called "Fly". I listened to it, and I'd really rather not start with doubt on this thing. My heart raced after I heard it, and that excitement took me over a year and a half to find again. So just bear with me if you think I'm making something out of nothing. At least I can feel God with me again :)

I'm really shocked that I decided to write anything on here. My xanga hasn't been written in since October. I don't know. Haha. Cassandra said I should and I thought about it...who knows :p

Hopefully I'll get an idea of who may still be reading this thing.